WINNING

I have been experiencing many failures in the last several months. I entered a comedy competition and did not win even though the odds were very much in my favor. I tried out for a part in a play I wanted very badly because the character was a beautiful woman that I admired. I applied for a writing job last January that I knew I could do well and did not get it only to find that the person chosen evidently was a disappointment and the Weekly is advertising once more for a columnist.
You would think that with all these failures, I would have ignored this second chance from an editor who rejected me but that is not what I did. I sent in my samples, my resume and my cover letter once more because I am so sure I will be a brilliant columnist if he would only give me a chance, just as I was certain I could play that role and win that comedy contest.
I think that that says something about who wins and who loses. I am beginning to understand that while I do not believe that " it isn't whether you win or lose but how you play the game", it still matters that you go out there and reach for your shining star no matter how many times it eludes you.
When I go after a plum, be it a publication or artistic confirmation or a performance, I want to win it. That is why I make the effort. But in losing, I also gain.
I just participated in the Stanford Art Faire and I intended to earn back my investment. I did not. Instead I made many new friends, got several leads for my storytelling, comedy and writing and new ideas for showing my art. What did I lose?
I lost money. I lost a job for an editor who would have never been pleased with my work. I lost a contest because I didn't make a judge laugh. But through it all, I never lost me.
I think in spite of the tears, this is what matters. And I think the tears are important, too, because they give me a perspective on how others perceive what I value in myself.
If I hang on to my respect for my ability, as I did by re-applying for a job I didn't get, then I have something solid to hold on to no matter what happens to shake my self image. I have an unshakable foundation and that is all I really need to finally get to that star.