Rewards

I cannot seem to erase my fury at Rene Villanueva and Richard Romanski for the evil they have done to me and that is a terrible flaw in my own character. I look at people like that who are very proud of the way they got something from an old lady even though she had the contract that proved she had a right to her money or her car. They feel victorious and very clever. Rene is delighted that by perjuring her daughter and fabricating an agreement that never happened, she managed to save herself 1600 dollars. Richard Romanski on the other hand doesn't see what the fuss was about. He had an oppotunity to look good in the eyes of a big blond bombshell and so what if the old lady didn't get her money? She was Jewish and those kind always take advantage of the rest of us anyway.
I think about the rewards they won for themselves: a car that was worth three times what she paid for it; a sense of showing that little, old Jew she couldn't have what she wanted in HIS court...and I think, "Would I do what either of these people (I use that noun loosely) did for the rewards they reaped?" The answer is no. I couldn't live with myself knowing I had cheated someone that way. And then I probe deeper. Let us say I complained to the district attorney and proved that Richard Romanski prevented the Bar Association from returnng my papers so I could continue my complaints against him. Let us say I registered my fury with the presiding judge because he allowed a mistrial to go unnoticed. What would I get in return? I MIGHT get a car that woman has been driving for a year and a half. I would not get the money since once you appeal in Small Claims Court, the case is virtually closed. I wouldn't get much satisfaction even if the judge were reprimanded for ignoring my rights because the injustice itself is what hurt me and there is no remedy in the world that can erase my shock at hearing false testimony actually encouraged by a man who thought I was not important enough to protect under the laws of the state and my country.
AND what would I have lost:
I would have lost hours of my time, time that I can spend writing my stories, creating my shows, polishing my humor and building the life I have begun for myself so that I can love living the life I have left. I have already lost my impulse to be kind to others. I am wary now and suspicious. They might be Rene all over again They might accuse me of stealing gifts they gave me. I won't accept anything from anyone anymore and perhaps that is a good thing. They say we need one another to survive but I am afraid of others now. I am alone. I know that neither the police nor the justice system will protect me or my property. That is the scar I cannot heal.
Rewards. Have I gotten anything positive from this experience? My enemies have. She has a car and both can bask in the sense of their own power to over-ride the law. I like to think that my rewards will come in the new people who come into my life. Perhaps mine will come in the acts of kindness others are doing for me every day. Perhaps mine will come in knowing that there is no one on this earth that can say I didn't reach out to them when they were in need.
Perhaps.
I like to think that this line of reasoning will finally dull the pain of being classed as no one because I didn't have the money, the impact, the influence or the connections to fight for rights the state and country assure me are mine.