death of my father

Dear Lynn Ruth,

My father passed away on August 3rd. He was ill but died of a massive heart attack. We flew back to Holland to attend the funeral and be with my mom. Lots has happened since-- a new semester starting, the kids starting a new school year, Jon starting a new job and me trying to stick to a Dec deadline for my book for Ohio UP. The routine and normalcy make one forget but memories of my father, thoughts about his life and my assessment of my relationship with him are still swirling through my mind like dead autumn leaves. Death does set a thing significant as Emily Dickinson wrote and perhaps most of all I see my father's life as an unhappy set of circumstances. WWII and then his military service in the independence war in Indonesia made him lose out on an education and a career that he might have liked so much better than the stockbroker's career he ended up having. His lack of opportunity has motivated me to embrace my opportunities and more than ever I feel I have to instigate more to be where I want to be. We let life happen to us rather than us making our own lives. I have some of my father's old books, the books he read when he was in his twenties, still full of dreams-- the books, besides their strong sentimental value, are a good reminder to keep working on those dreams as I believe that this short life is the only shot we have. Lynn Ruth, to live like you do, however challenging some times, is the way to go and I just hope and pray I can make it happen as I don't want to leave this earth like my father did, depressed, disillusioned, frustrated and bitter, even though he never voiced any of that. Which makes me all the sadder,
Inez