Fear

My dear Inez: Only idiots are not afraid. I am petrified all the time. I know I seem fearless to you but in reality, my heart is in my mouth far too much of the time when I stand on stage and sing my foolish songs, make smart remarks and hope they are comedy instead of slop, or tell my stories and pray I don't forget half the words. The difference between my fear and that of the cowards around us is that I do not let my forebodings stop me from moving onward. It all started when I came out of the hospital and realized that I permitted my body to rule my life. It became my excuse, my boundary and my means of getting attention even though people labeled it pity and concern. I could never go anywhere, do anything or move toward my dreams because I was always sick. True, I was in the hospital for most of that time and true I weighed less than 50 pounds. However, the day I decided that sick or well, in pain or out, I would go through the motions of living was the day I began to step not only outside my solipsism but outside the box my family had said was the only place to be. And that was also the day I began to discover just who Lynn Ruth MIller is.
If your Caroline has no trepidation when she decides to play her violin or take her clothes off, you are nurturing a fool. If she hesitates and quavers, but does not stop trying... if she is not afraid of being ridiculed, or falling short of the mark but gets up, brushes off the detritus of disapproval and looks for a new way get where she needs to go, then you are nuturing a hero.
I have often said that in the eyes of the world I am a complete failure. I never stayed in a marriage long enough to form a relationship, and I have never earned enough money to push myself above the poverty line.
BUT what I HAVE done, is take a lot of risks with my heart pounding, my stomach churning and my teeth grinding. Because of that dogged determination to forge onward I have become a person I never dreamed I could be. I am a comedian; I am a singer; I am a writer; I am a teacher; I am a person excited about my life and filled with dreams I am determined to make happen. Had I listened to the voice we all have that said, "You look like a fool," "You have no talent", "No one wants to read your writing", "You live a sterile, empty life because you have no man in it and no children to validate your presence here on earth, " I would have wept useless tears while watching television envying the lives I saw, not realizing that those lives were existences I REALLY didn't WANT to live. I got the cake, the frosting and the thrill of the taste because I pushed through the fear and continued to try. If your Caroline does that, she is a winner even when her scorecard says zero. But if she goes fearlessly ahead without any doubts then she is due for a nasty fall.
I do not think you are fearful, my dear. You are cautious and trust me, I wish I had been more cautious, when I plunged into a marriage with a man I had only known for 48 hours, when I sacrificed everything I had to drive a fifth wheel around the country, when I became a telephone Madame because I needed money and didn't want to confess to my father that his very highly educated daughter couldn't feed herself.....I could have saved myself a great deal of pain.
But on the other side of that mirror, the experiences I had, negative, debilitating and destructive as they were, made me into the me you know, the lady you think fearless, outgoing, and brazen. They made me a human being who lives every second of her life and packs it with enthusiasm. I suspect that is a good thing and I know it is the only way for me. I was 73 years old last week. I feel 21. I just fell in love for the 500th time. I am starting a new career in cabaret; I am doing different comedy and going out to entertain in senior homes. I am promoting my new book. I am scared to death
Will I lose the guy?(I should...I am ten years older than his mother) will I wow the crowd? Will I finally begin making money at the entertaining I give away so freely?
Maybe. Maybe not. But I will have given all of it my best shot and I will enjoy, nay ADORE the process of trying.