Merry Xmas to all the readers of this blog

Yes, it's that time of year again, so I hereby enclose our Xmas letter in which I am trying to debunk the obnoxious genre of the "look what our perfect family has done perfectly in 2005!"
Dear Friends and Family:

Ho, ho, ho…I don’t know whether it is because Christmas seemed to begin before Thanksgiving this year or whether I am getting really old and time just seems stuck on the Fast Forward button this year…but time is going too fast. Every year we intend to send you a pic of the kids but we never get around doing the prints in time. Oh well, by the time the kids are ready to move out the house for college, we will send you a picture and show you how much they have grown in eighteen years…
Our news: the company (Groove Networks) Jon works for, was bought by Microsoft which means that Jon’s a Microsoftie now. I am working full-time in the Dutch Studies program at UC Berkeley and our schedules during the week are such that we have to play catch-up on the weekend.
The kids are thriving in school. William is 9 now and has entered 4th grade. He is still a voracious reader but has not found a sport to his liking yet. The other day a stranger asked him whether he was into basket ball or baseball and good ole Will replied: “Actually, I’m more of a book worm and a video game freak.” Maybe he is ready for Spinoza because reading the entire Harry Potter series thirteen times does not do much for the intellect per se.
Caroline is 7 (2nd grade) and enjoys playing the violin while being dressed up as Britney Spears. She likes drawing and dance better than doing math and applies make up liberally when the mood hits her. She is also talking about boys as in “I bent over, he stumbled into me and I kissed him on the ear.” I guess it’s all about aiming right at this age. There is also a boy in school who calls her “cute,” as in “So I came down the slide and there he was saying ‘hey cutie, this is to tell you I already have a girlfriend.’” Two-timing isn’t even okay in 2nd grade you see.
But I really need to tell you about the new addition to our family. No, we did not have a third child (who has time for sex?) but we got a mini dachshund by the name of Theodore (Teddy). Teddy is insulted if you call him a Wiener dog, so don’t go there…In fact, he is a very sophisticated little dog: the other night he jumped onto the bed, crawled up to Jon and since Jon sleeps with his mouth open, Teddy gave him a fat little lick INSIDE his mouth. Jon may have thought it was me so he closed his mouth…and bit Teddy’s tongue! Teddy yelped and I sat up straight in bed, thinking: “Is this Jon’s way of telling me that we do need marriage counseling after all?”
Oh boy, I am supposed to enlighten you about our family’s accomplishments in the last year, and all I end up doing here is send you another sexually perverse Xmas letter. I can see it now: you are reading this letter and you call out to your partner: “Get this honey, the Lakes are doing it with their pets this year. What’s next?”
So, in all seriousness, I am really thankful this year for health, happiness and being in a position again to help others. Jon flew down South after Katrina hit and helped out with the relief efforts, an event the kids liked talking about in class because he slept in a tent next to an alligator pond. Remember: life has many blessings but sleeping with alligators isn’t one of them. Just make sure to count your blessings or in the words of the sagacious Sheryl Crow: “It’s not having what you want/it’s wanting what you’ve got…” Have a happy and healthy 2006!!!!!!!!!!
The Lakes