WE LIVE IN A SELFISH WORLD

As a child, I was taught to give to others and to share what I have with those less fortunate. That philosophy has faded in our "Me first" world and that is not totally a bad thing. My determination to be selfless results in a lot of passive-agressive behavior that sends double messages to people and creates anger and stress in me. I find myself furious at friends who are only taking me up on what I offered to them. For instance, I live very near the San Francisco Airport. I have told innumerable people to let me know if they need me to pick them up at the airport. I tell them I would be happy to take them home. My assumption is that considerate people who care about me would never ask me to drive them farther than a few miles from where I live. They would respect my hours and my commitments. This is a wrong assumption. The first violation of this concept happened when a dear, dear friend asked me to pick him up at 10 pm and drive him in to San Francisco. I hated to say no so I got in the car, arrived on time and waited a half hour for him to get to the pick-up area, another 15 minutes while he gabbed on his cell phone, and then drove him home. I got back to my house well after midnight. He never offered to pay for gasoline and he didn't even say thank you. All he said was good night.
His was the model of considerate behavior compared to the next woman who not only insisted I pick her up when she returned from Italy ( a trip I could never afford) after I had once refused. She wanted me to drive her to Half Moon Bay even though the trip is now a very long one clogged with traffic. However, her plane was delayed and she arrived at ten pm. I encouraged her to take the shuttle to MY house because I never dreamed she would really do it. She did. She waited until I returned from a comdey gig and expected me to drive her home through the fog ...an hour's drive now that Devil's Slide is closed. I could hardly believe she would ask anyone, much less a woman of my age to do this for her. It occurred to me than that it is I who made these people believe I have nothing better to do with my time than chauffeur them from one place to another. I berated myself for my inability to say, "No. I can afford neither the gasoline nor the time nor the energy to take people twenty years my junior all over the peninsula. How can you ask me to do this?"
The answer is because I offered to help them out.
My neighbor down the street heard that I have extra room in my freezer. I had told her she was welcome to store food there assuming that she would put in a chicken, or a few boxes of frozen veggies, no more. I believed she would respect the fact that my own food had priority over hers. How wrong I was! This morning I awoke to find my freezer completely re-organized to make room for a large box of shrimp, several chickens and God only knows what else in what was now a packed freezer running on overtime to keep its contents cold. I could find nothing I wanted to use for supper; I could not even move the box and bags she had packed in there because they were so heavy.
All three of these people are kind, giving, lovely human beings . The miscommunication has to do with my basic philosophy being totally out of date. I have always believed my first obligation is to others in society...this means that I neglect the very pressing needs I have to write, paint and create on a variety of levels. These three people believe that their first obligation is to themselves as human beings to take care of their own needs no matter how shallow and irrelevant they may seem to others. My first buddy believed that his saving shuttle fare was more important than my getting a story done for my magazine or writing a blog like this. My Italian traveler thought that saving $98.00 she could easily afford was well worth making me forget my fatigue at the end of a very long day of performing, writing and doing my own chores. The fact that I was tired, had not eaten and could not afford the gasoline she wanted me to use to drive her to Half Moon Bay did not even occur to her. She is kind and giving in a multitude of ways but never when it inconveniences her. The freezer lady has done innumerable wonderful things for me. Yet, she is always very quick to tell me when she is too busy to help. I owe her freezer room if she uses discretion in how much she takes, but she will not. I owe that young man endless favors for kindnesses he has done for me but I cannot assume he will respect MY time as I respect his. The Italian traveler is as loving and kind a friend as I could ever want. All three are living the Me First philosophy to their advantage. I am very tempted to do as they do...not try to help someone in need...not try to sacrifice myself for someone else in small, comfortable ways ...not care that a person is stranded at an airport, wants to take advantage of a sale, needs my help delivering for her. But I DO care because of who I am. When I deal with people IN MY GENERATION I never feel abused. Gwen O'Neill asked me to deliver magazines for her when she could not because of her replaced knee. BUT as soon as she was able, she took over the job. She let me choose my own time and my own pace because she is in MY generation and knows when something is too much to ask. My darling friend Kerry has asked my help her out but she more than repays me for every favor I do for her WITHOUT MY EVEN ASKING. She is not in my generation but still she cares and is sensitive to others in a beautiful, delightful and refreshing way.
What is my conclusion here? I think it is this: Once I get the measure of the person, it is I who must set the limits of how much time or effort I can give away without sacrificing myself. It is obvious that not one of the three people I described would give one minute to me if it were not easy for them Since I cannot ignore a need when I see it, I must learn to force myself to prioritize my own time. When I make an offer, I must not expect people to be sensitive to my needs or who I am. It is I who must announce the parameters of my favors because I live in this world now and it is a selfish one. It is a place where people are determined first and foremost to make their own dreams come true. I certainly cannot say that is a bad thing. It is my job to adapt my priorities to the attitudes that prevail now, not those that I learned them when I was a child.