GETTING EVEN

Pacifica has several graveside memorials. The most horrifying is the memorial by our golf course for the death & injury of several teenagers in a truck driven by a drunken over 16 teen. Two of the children were killed, the others injured and the young man is being tried for murder. This in itself is horrifying and morally wrong to me although it is not legally incorrect. The young man was giving a ride to his friends and trying to do what he thought was a favor to them because he loved them. However, the night was dark, his alcohol level high and he rammed into a tree. The memory of that horrifying night and its aftermath will never leave this child. What good can come from putting him in prison? What will it teach him but that the world is a cruel, hard, unforgiving place where youngsters who don't have friends in high places are punished for good deeds that backfire just to make the parents of those dead children feel better. His conviction certainly will not bring back those who died. The young man is destroyed now and society in its zeal to do what the law says, is zealously crushing him even further. Who gains from this?
Today as I walked my dogs, I saw a young lady standing at the memorial for those who lost their lives in this needless, heartbreaking accident. She crossed herself and returned to her car, her face streaked with tears. My own eyes are filled with tears as I write this. It is not that young man who needs to pay even more for something he never meant to happen. It is our society who defines fun as getting drunk and then when the inevitable happens, punishes our best learners, the ones who paid attention to what the media and their peers told them is cool.
Seeing this memorial and that grief-stricken young woman was a singular Christmas gift to me. I have been forced to realize that our justice system serves only the rich, the powerful and the "in" group at the expense of every kind of minority, racial, physical and social. I am 72 and have enough perspective to handle this scathing revelation. I have survived thus far and I know it will take more than a Richard Romanski playing out his bigotry in the courtroom or a policeman who tells me to ignore the 6-foot bully who is attacking me to destroy ME. This young man, now labeled a murderer, does not have the benefit the living I have done. HE is not the killer. WE are; and it makes us feel good to make him our scapegoat.
I am incredibly sad this Christmas. I know now that the country I thought protected its weak violates every moral imperative I believe in.
Let us hope the New Year will bring compassion to the hardened hearts that control us. Let us hope those who are sensitive to human concerns finally triumph.

new year's resolutions

How many of you out there make new year's resolutions? And I am not talking about starting the gazillionth diet January 1st, which you all forget about on January 2nd, because you have a craving need for that chocolate after contemplating the impossibility of sticking to your new year's resolutions...

I am talking about trying to really change-- change jobs, move to a different country, ditch the loser boyfriend or doing something that is so not you...

Can an old dog learn new tricks? Can we honestly change if we want to? Do we dare take a risk when life is finally comfortable and "safe"? Can we take the plunge and transform in something we thought we never could be?

I am really curious, because I think the majority of us refuse to leave our comfort zone even if that zone is not that comfortable any more. And yet, I think that we only get so many opportunities and if we stop trying, or putting ourselves out there, life becomes less interesting, and I don't think it's what we here for. We're here to live yet so many of us ARE lived by jobs, relationships, obligations, the right thing, taxes...I'd like to believe there's more but is there?! What's there beyond death and taxes???/

THE BEST KIND OF GIFT

I agree and disagree with you Inez. I do not give to organized charities because I am paying public relations people to put intellectually insulting ads on radio and television and sending barely one penny of my dollar to the needy. I think charities are as obnoxious and grasping as merchants during this season. I have a friend who goes with her children to a soup kitchen to help serve every Christmas. My own feeling is connected to my observations about Tikkum Okam in my previous post. I need to learn to give of myself freely for the joy it gives me and for nothing else all year round. That is my debt to the world that I must pay because I am human. Perhaps because I am Jewish Christmas does not compel me to give any more than a week from next Tuesday.
However, we live in a fractured, imperfect world and life moves so fast we often forget to tell those we care about how dear they are to us. It is good to have a time of year to do that. The atmosphere at Christmas, the beauty of the lights, the magnificence of the music fills me with a remarkable, ever-fresh surge of happiness at being alive and among others celebrating our connection with one another. I have no advice on what to teach your children. I have been spending time with a young lady who has made a career of taking from others and I think that is so very sad because she has lost herself. I think perhaps the answer is to teach our children that participating in human experiences is the real gift we share with one another. All that pressure to buy buy buy and take take take and all the emphasis an what you deserve because you are young, old, infirm, green, black or blue is all part of the brainwashing this country fosters. So think small; think kindness; think connection...... and have a happy holiday .

what is real at Xmas

I read the other day that the average American spends $700 on gifts this year...and I was shocked by this number: what does it say about us as a culture that we spend so much on things rather than working on creating a memory at Xmas?!
My own children can only talk about gifts these days and nag us about what we got for them. I have been trying to tell them that it is not about receiving but giving but they are not impressed...
My mother found a wishlist of mine, of when I was seven (my daughter's age now) and I had but a few items on there: two books, a pencil box, a lamp for my desk-- and I am sure I did not even get all of that! Is it inflation, are we becoming more decadent and materialistic and how can we really obsess about what to give each other if we can't even feed the 40 million hungry Americans in our midst? I have not been asking for anything the past few Xmases and if people really want to give me something I ask them to send money to the charity of their choice. If we could all do the same and spend those $700 on charities this year, we might really get somewhere...
Inez

WHAT IS REAL

My friend Tamryn and I have been discussing the ramifications of Munchausen's disease and carrying it a step beyond a mother creating symptoms that convince her child and others that he is sick. I expand it to include the Oh My God illnesses everyone has and does not realize is their "out" for avoiding an uncomfortable situation. I have certainly done this altogether too many times and I will never forget when I was in Redwood City and had re-developed my anorexic symptoms (fixating on the food I ate, weighing myself continually, skipping meals and pretending I wasn't hungry) I told this to the receptionist in my dentist's office and she said, "Well you must be getting your cookies from it somewhere."
It pulled me up short and I thought, "No more. If I cannot face a situation, I will admit to it ..no head ache, no stomach ache, no focusing on food (or drink or my dogs or the weather) to divert me from the problem at hand."
This vow has freed me in many ways because I know now that if I do NOT say the no's I need to say, my body will say them for me. It takes a great deal of playing the part to convince your body that it never wins the war but once you do, you feel so much more honest about the life you have chosen to live.

happy holidays

I just saw a movie that explored our need to be spiritually centered and talked about the Jewish mandate Tikkum Olam which means to make the world a better place. Each time we do a good thing: water a flower, help a struggling child, send a thoughtful wish....all these things make the world lovelier for us all EVEN IF YOU AS THE DOER RECEIVE NO RETURN.
During the holiday season we often give gifts because we feel we need to and receive gifts without giving thought to the care (or lack of it) of the giver. Instead, we must give for the simple joy of giving. I return as an example to the incident with Renee and the car. I gave to her in many more ways than these blogs tell. I offered my home to her to increase sales at her dress shop, I gave her the things I created to stock the shop and she not only did not value them, she destroyed them. I gave her a car to drive before she had paid for it and never, even in the court case when she refused to pay me, asked for interest on that money. Until I saw that movie, I felt a total fool; but now I realize I was not. My mistake was to expect this woman to even notice what I did for her. According to my religion, I was doing nothing for her alone. I was attempting to make the world sweeter.
After I lost the appeal because of prejudice on the part of the judge I was and still am horrified that a bigot like that man ( Richard Romanski) should be in a position of power. Now that I understand the concept of Tikkum Olam, perhaps MY reaction was the wrong one. I did what every human being who inhabits the planet must do. I improved the world. If Renee polluted it and Richard Romanski soured it , no matter. Their blasphemies must not stop my own obligation to do Tikkum Olam. I have to believe my deeds balanced and hopefully superceded theirs. My gifts were not to them alone. The outcome of my actions is immaterial to the need to spread goodness. I hope that makes sense. It does to me and I feel much better about this horrible experience of coming to terms with a justice system that isn't just. I am less determined to keep my guard up against others and more disposed to continue throwing out my sugar ...the kind that contains no calories, only smiles. Happy holidays.
LYNN RUTH

Merry Xmas to all the readers of this blog

Yes, it's that time of year again, so I hereby enclose our Xmas letter in which I am trying to debunk the obnoxious genre of the "look what our perfect family has done perfectly in 2005!"
Dear Friends and Family:

Ho, ho, ho…I don’t know whether it is because Christmas seemed to begin before Thanksgiving this year or whether I am getting really old and time just seems stuck on the Fast Forward button this year…but time is going too fast. Every year we intend to send you a pic of the kids but we never get around doing the prints in time. Oh well, by the time the kids are ready to move out the house for college, we will send you a picture and show you how much they have grown in eighteen years…
Our news: the company (Groove Networks) Jon works for, was bought by Microsoft which means that Jon’s a Microsoftie now. I am working full-time in the Dutch Studies program at UC Berkeley and our schedules during the week are such that we have to play catch-up on the weekend.
The kids are thriving in school. William is 9 now and has entered 4th grade. He is still a voracious reader but has not found a sport to his liking yet. The other day a stranger asked him whether he was into basket ball or baseball and good ole Will replied: “Actually, I’m more of a book worm and a video game freak.” Maybe he is ready for Spinoza because reading the entire Harry Potter series thirteen times does not do much for the intellect per se.
Caroline is 7 (2nd grade) and enjoys playing the violin while being dressed up as Britney Spears. She likes drawing and dance better than doing math and applies make up liberally when the mood hits her. She is also talking about boys as in “I bent over, he stumbled into me and I kissed him on the ear.” I guess it’s all about aiming right at this age. There is also a boy in school who calls her “cute,” as in “So I came down the slide and there he was saying ‘hey cutie, this is to tell you I already have a girlfriend.’” Two-timing isn’t even okay in 2nd grade you see.
But I really need to tell you about the new addition to our family. No, we did not have a third child (who has time for sex?) but we got a mini dachshund by the name of Theodore (Teddy). Teddy is insulted if you call him a Wiener dog, so don’t go there…In fact, he is a very sophisticated little dog: the other night he jumped onto the bed, crawled up to Jon and since Jon sleeps with his mouth open, Teddy gave him a fat little lick INSIDE his mouth. Jon may have thought it was me so he closed his mouth…and bit Teddy’s tongue! Teddy yelped and I sat up straight in bed, thinking: “Is this Jon’s way of telling me that we do need marriage counseling after all?”
Oh boy, I am supposed to enlighten you about our family’s accomplishments in the last year, and all I end up doing here is send you another sexually perverse Xmas letter. I can see it now: you are reading this letter and you call out to your partner: “Get this honey, the Lakes are doing it with their pets this year. What’s next?”
So, in all seriousness, I am really thankful this year for health, happiness and being in a position again to help others. Jon flew down South after Katrina hit and helped out with the relief efforts, an event the kids liked talking about in class because he slept in a tent next to an alligator pond. Remember: life has many blessings but sleeping with alligators isn’t one of them. Just make sure to count your blessings or in the words of the sagacious Sheryl Crow: “It’s not having what you want/it’s wanting what you’ve got…” Have a happy and healthy 2006!!!!!!!!!!
The Lakes